What am I?

Image by lrargerich via Flickr

One month and two weeks since I´ve began the work at Polimax.

Read 3 books in the meanwhile.
The Sustainability Advantage, Advanced Facilitation Strategies and One from Many.

Had countless meetings, conversations, discussions.
Got a good picture of our challenges, and began to work in a great number of them.
Brought good ideas, and methods. As well as some eficiency that I learned in Finland.
Recognize great problems with dialogue, saw a small company stucked in it´s own structure. Met unmotivated employees.
Got involved sometimes more than I should as a consultant and less than I needed as a company partner.
Optimism and pessimism alternate their influences on my mood.
Fill in 12 flip charts planning all the actions, and explaining them.
Bought an agenda, and incredibly got it full for the next 3 weeks prety easy.

And from all those things what really is sustainable? What would remain when I leave?
How can I structurize a company that has problems with methods and organization without bureaucratize it?
How much from the ideas of Dee Hock and a self-organizing corporation is feasible for us?
When we achieve the tipping point in 3 weeks, will we be prepared for taking the hard choices?
For how long will I be able to keep some of my weaknesses buried?
Am I at the right track?
How strong it has to be the internal leadership to make sure all this work will be maintaned?
Do I need "A strong leadership", or a bunch of leaders?

Those and hundreds of questions keept my mind busy lately, and a mix of feelings maintained me in an emotional roller coaster.
I am sticking with my purpose clear, for me and for all. But understand the role of a consultant in your own company is something quite complex.

It is very hard to accept but I am not making my work as I should - if I were a consultant.
So it seems I´ve to define what am I, and what should I be.

When I left Finland I was warned of this issue, and at that time it was put as the difference between success and failure.


As far as I came in this process I understood that at this moment they dont need/want a consultant they need a manager. And this is not me.